I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
