there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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