Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
