I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You are the jesus of drinking
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