i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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