Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
