Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
