i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
