is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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