no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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