i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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