i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
