She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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