i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
