Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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