I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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