Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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