There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
