Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Sober January is a disaster.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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