I wannas sexs uuuuu
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
