shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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