Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
