The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
