you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
