I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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