I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
