take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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