dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
