I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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