dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
