Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
