I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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