I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
