You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
