When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
