words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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