He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
