The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
