Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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