What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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