I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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