i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
