I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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