The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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