I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
