their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
