I wish my penis had an off switch
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
