Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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