three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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