I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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